Like so many of us that have become more aware of our own health and wellbeing, I took this knowledge and awareness to a whole other level.
Combined with a high level of exercise, I had a one-track mind to the "perfect" body. Rather than severely cutting calories, instead I remained steadfastly committed to tracking every single thing I ate -- for years -- down to the gram.
My entire life was about what I could eat and when, how that affected my calories for the day and where a high-calorie "cheat" could fit in.
Obsession is too pale a word to describe the way in which I lived my life.
A few calories over was cause for a breakdown, and a few calories under was cause for celebration. This was victory. This was the aim. This meant I had won.
Because in all reality, I was at war with myself, and the battle was fierce.
There wasn't a size or a number to achieve, simply a feeling.
That I was "there" and now looked like I worked as hard as I did, on my exterior.
If only I'd known what damage I was doing to my interior -- heart and soul.
Throughout these years, I maintained a healthy and lean weight, as I have my whole life. The torture, you could then say, was especially needless.
What I've now come to identify as disordered eating -- however, I'm not always sure that labels are helpful -- all came to a head when after years on this merry go round, I felt a slap in the face.
Metaphorically, that is, from the reality that I was so disconnected from the glorious food that nourishes our lives. I wondered what my life would look like in 10, 20 or 30 years?
Was this it?
Will I continue to take my kitchen scales everywhere, count everything I eat, commit to regular body imaging, track every beat of my heart and calorie burnt?
My then-upcoming wedding in 2014 was a wonderful motivator to make such realizations, and from then on things began to shift for me.
I got in touch with my body's true instincts, my bio-individuality and by flooding my body with nutritious, real food, I was able to make small and delicious shifts that worked for me.
The type that gave me energy, nourishment, happiness and a healthy weight without all the crazy making that I'd been living.
Although a slippery slope from health awareness to full blown disorder in my experience, it was a conscious decision that I made to enter into the experience that I had.
And so too was the conscious decision to walk a different path.
It's a work in progress and requires small steps though I've come so far and no longer view food or my body as an enemy.
The war is over. And all sides are at peace.
To learn more about how I found eating freedom, come on over and check out my PATH TO WHOLEFOODS online program.
Join me for the next live round of this 8-week eating transformation for busy women or find free resources to refresh your journey. Enrolments open on January 21st.
If you're struggling with an eating disorder, call the National Eating Disorder Association hotline at 1-800-931-2237.